Just a little spur-of-the-moment post, after having some time to reflect on the base of influences that eventually shaped up this figure of ‘me’, and last week’s stream of less-than-gratifying encounters, both face-to-face and virtually.
In many ways, last week for me was just a great cesspool of examples of some of my strongest personal hatreds towards this multi-faceted and increasingly destructive ‘age of opinions’ (aka, ‘I have freedom of speech, so I’m allowed to hurt you verbally, mentally, and…threaten to hurt and rape you physically’…yeah…scary. Refer to YouTube comment sections if you are confused.) : a dangerous mix, if you consider that the mix also contains individuals who refuse to accept abnormalities in their perfectly formed utopias and ‘personal opinions’. As usual, I hate certain aspects of the taste of the blend, not because of the well-chosen ingredients, but because of the bad apples that somehow ALWAYS manages to squeeze through the filters (though some filters are downright ridiculous as well…I’ll get back to that). I harbor certain misgivings and confusions about myself as a human being who’s stubborn in his ways and rather certain in his ideals. I also harbor misgivings with the human beings around me, who just doesn’t seem to comprehend the existence of alternative perspectives. Instead of understanding the tides flowing against their will, they preferred to find narrow streams that fit their tastes, and echoed each other like parrots. They build a dam, so they can acuminate in their artificially satisfying habitats, content in their faked agreements to every last belief, down to the placement of logs, branches and stones that choke to death the flows of progress. And you know what happens to the dam itself and the surrounding ecosystems, when a big enough log is misplaced and the dam explodes in a flurry of frustrated energy.
In fact, I find it interesting, the way I decided to open the last paragraph: the eagerness of some people to harass and bully under the guise of opinions. And that’s because my topic of frustration is intriguingly on the opposite end of the spectrum.
Put simply, I’m living as a walking and talking contradiction, in a world of contradictions: in a society that praises honesty and transparency, it ironically functions under the pretences of what’s NOT being said and done, and the behind the scenes intricacies that no one even bothers to understand, before typing in that email that complains about a services outage, or whatever. The people bemoan the existence of governments, knowing all too well the resulting situation, if their collective chanting of ‘the governments should fuck themselves!’ actually came to realisation: worldwide government M.Ps, police officers and public leaders pleasured themselves in public and quit their positions the day after, leaving no one at the podium for any sense of law and order. Amusing first day, for sure, but I think I better jump off a cliff, or leave the planet, before day 2 rolls by, as the world erupts in chaos, against the backdrop of sarcastic tweets, posts and Instagram pics. But even with the disturbing propositions, I wouldn’t be surprised if such an idea for a future event is applauded by online dwellers as the biggest ‘jerk-off in our time.’ It’s always about that last laugh, before reality sets in.
“Tell the truth dear. Unless if it’s an inconvenient truth or if it COULD be considered a bit blunt for another person.” I have no idea how many safeguards I’ve already applied to my own lungs and mouth when having conversations with others, both in public and with my relatives, (less so with close friends, but we all break those rules when we chat so that’s cool between us.) but if me telling the truth and offering honest perspectives of advice without even a hint of pretentiousness or hurtful language is considered pretentious and hurtful, I…don’t know if I should even open my bloody mouth and make a sound in public.
I try to say what I mean, and mean what I say, but apparently that’s considered self-indulging and arrogant, even without me feeling self-indulgent or arrogant (pfft…as if my position in life has anything to be arrogant ABOUT…struggling university student here). So in a world that orders everybody to say what everybody else agrees with, and mean what everybody would WANT you to mean, a parent disciplining his/her child for lying should be sent to the naughty corner WAYYYY more often than an 8 eight year old child, who insists that he didn’t steal a cookie from the top shelf (even though he’s 4 times shorter than said shelf…in that case, give him another cookie for creativity and a daring sense for adventure.)
“Oh no, it’s just the way you said it that pissed me off.” Sure, if it’s the sequence of my words or tone that you have an issue with, tell me straight up with a sense of decency instead of opting for the EXACT method of communication that you seem to be so against 5 seconds ago: a barrage of swearing with a hint of tasteless name calling, followed up by the always conclusive “And oh. Go fuck yourself”. Surprising thing here: this happened to me and my best friend on the same day, one online, another offline, both because of events that seemed really trivial before someone decided to blow it out of proportion. One was comically called upon in the middle of a Cards Against Humanity game, AN HOUR AFTER the card/play-in-question was made (the amusement comes in many different perspectives here…but do start with the fact that it’s a game of CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY). Another happened in a kinda-workplace, in an acuminated explosion of rage that happened through an utter lack of communication and honesty.
Here’s who I am: a student with a cautiously optimistic outlook on his own life, and the world at large. I hold onto a huge baggage that secures all my life passions and aspirations as an life documenter, art appreciator and hopeful storyteller and listener. My influences and self-judgements have determined that progress is a double-edged sword that will always hurt me on the recoil, but is necessary purely BECAUSE of its initial strike: each strike will weaken the wall that stands between me and a goal, and each coat of sugar or shot of morphine will only slow me down further. Of course, the weaknesses I bear as a human being will always mean me demanding to be put to sleep for a few hours, with a paddle pop to suck on when I wake up, but I rather struggle further onwards instead of being stuck on one stagnate spot, forever drugged on fake comfort.
I’m in a crossroads of sorts at the moment, and rather unfortunately, I’m not the only ultimate decision-maker when it comes to which path I have to take: it’s in the hands of the latest handful of resumes I recently handed out. Polite rejection emails have become a part of life during the past 2 years for me, and I’m not sure how I feel about getting used to them. Also a new semester of uni has started, and ultimately, my ability to persevere against the…rather sudden flooding of assignments and projects, will determine my ability to return to blogging again sooner, rather than later. I do hope this frustration release post of sorts helped me in that regard.
Now, for that cup of green tea and lemon slice I’ve been craving for the last hour…